Sex, Birth, Death
by groovygurlkatie
Summary: Basically Spencer's pov during the end of the episode 'Sex, Birth, Death' TRIGGER WARNINGS: SUICIDE


I wondered if he'd ever get out, if he'd be in their forever, could you ever truly get a hold of the demons inside, I know I hadn't gotten a hold of mine. But I had saved him I reminded myself, he had come to me before he'd killed and I saved him.

But part of me wanted dwell on the fact that he might never leave. That someday that could be me being locked away, that I might eventually snap as well, maybe not in the same way, but still.

"Come on, you and me, we're hitting the town" I turned towards Garcia as she light hit my shoulder with her scarf to punctuate her sentence.

"No offence, Garcia, but I'm uh not feeling like I'd make the best company right now"

It wasn't that I didn't want to go with Garcia, but I knew I would be in a mood now and I didn't want to spoil her fun for her, besides Morgan would probably love to go with her. It was more his scene then mine anyway.

"Oh no, up! Up!" She demanded moving her finger in a motion to signal to get up "Do not make me hurt you" She warned

I thought about protesting more, but I could tell she wasn't giving up. With a sigh I rose from my chair.

"There you go" She smiled and led me out to her car.

"Have you met Esther" She asked happily pointing to a bright orange car.

"Wow" I responded not knowing how to respond since cars wasn't my area of expertise.

"Only 150,000 miles on her"

Before I could think up a response my phone rang.

"Hello" I asked

"There's a boy here! He's stabbed his wrists! I don't know what to do! He put your card down! On the table and I thought he knew you!" the woman on the phone was hysterical and it was hard to make out what she was saying.

"What?" I said trying to comprehend, but some part of me just knew she was talking about Nathan, there was no one else it could be.

"Oh god" I whispered as it fully hit me what he had done, he had tried to kill himself to stop himself from killing.

Uh, uh, stay where you are, I'm calling a ambulance I said hurrying and getting into Garcia's car.

"I need you to drive Garcia!" I said

"Yeah, yeah! Where to?"

"Oh, god I forgot to ask" I said already taking out the phone and redialing the number

She picked up again and I asked where they were at, in some shady motel close to where the prostitutes hung out. He was planning on killing her and he stopped himself with the only way he knew how.

"But, you don't do it like that" I mumbled out loud to myself

"What?" Garcia asked turning towards me

"Uh, nothing does this car go any faster" I asked as I pressed my finger nails tighter into my arms and the car sped up.

When we got there the door was left ajar and I could seem him bloody in the fetal position half way off the bed, bloody knife at his feet. The woman whimpering in the corner away from his body.

"He just started slashing himself up!" Her voice was choked with tears.

I ran over to him putting pressure on one of his wrist. The blood was hot and I could feel it oozing through my fingers. I knew he was losing too much blood and I couldn't panic, that I needed to stay calm. But all I wanted to do was scream and vomit and cry, but I had to do this for him. He had came to me, sought out me help, I couldn't let him down, I couldn't let him die!

""Oh dear lord" Garcia mumbled behind me snapping me to my senses.

"All right, give me your scarf, tie it around there as tight as you can" I said indicating the other wrist I wasn't holding on to.

"Get, get anything you can a belt anything, a belt" I said turning towards the other woman, my voice felt foreign to my own ears, it was shrill and high pitched with fear and panic and it seemed to ring around the room.

"Okay I got something" the woman whimpered next to me.

"Tie it! Is it tight!? Is it tight!?" I near screamed why wasn't they moving fast enough couldn't they see he was dying, we had to stop, they needed to be faster.

"I think so! I think so!" Garcia said sounding on the verge of tears.

"Where are the paramedics" I almost whispered his time was running out I could feel the life leaving his body, the hot gushing blood slipping through my fingers.

"Stop, don't" he whimpered out, I was barely able to hear and the sirens and the girl screams were drown out when I did, he was still with us. He has to make, He has to.

"Keep pressure on him" I told to Garcia ignore his pleas at me to let him die.

"No" he whimpered fainting this time, like the sound of a light breeze. I felt heart break I had been here once and it got better I couldn't let him end it now before it got better.

"Where the hell are the paramedics!?" I screamed sounding hysterical now, where were they? They needed to save Nathan, why wasn't they going faster! I could see my tears falling down mixing with Nathans blood on my hands, but I couldn't feel them falling down my face. In my hysterical state I almost wanted to laugh, of course his blood was really on my hands, because once this boy died his blood would be on my hand figuratively to.

"I don't know" Garcia answered sounding like she was crying to.

"Is it tight?!" I asked again seeing how much blood he was losing

"I don't know, I think so, I don't know" she said running back to the scarf to make sure it was tight.

"Don't" He said louder this time

"I'm not gonna let you die" why couldn't he see there was so much to live for that it gets past this part. If he couldn't defeat his demons how could I defeat mine? Why wouldn't he just give it a chance to get better.

"No" He sounded so weak.

"Where are the medics?!" I screamed again, why weren't they here it had been ages. This boy was fucking dying!

"You can let go now" A man from behind said I was surprised they hear they had finally made it here after so long.

"Sir?" I felt the man light tug on my arm, I knew I should let go, but as illogical as it sounded I felt as if I let go he would suddenly die.

"Sir, let go." He demanded this time I looked up into his face away from Nathans.

"Sir!" slowly I let go felling like I had just let him die by doing so.

"Sir, were paramedics were here to help, now can you tell me your name?"

The question felt so foreign, what did it matter what my name was? Why were they worried about this? Couldn't they see Nathan dying in front of them.

"His names Spencer Reid" Garcia said for me from behind.

I watched as they wheeled him on a gurney up into the ambulance, I had been giving a rag to wipe off the blood on my hands but, I felt as if I was ten feet off the ground and couldn't focus on doing such a simple task.

My mind was filled with questions, like was it right of me to save him? It was his choice, how could I make that decision for him? I couldn't make someone live if they didn't want to but that's what I just did.

"Paramedics say he wouldn't have made it without you" as soon as Gideon voice hit my ears I felt as if I had been pulled back to the ground and regain control of my mind.

"You saved his life" He reminded me, but somehow the reminder was like a punch in the gut. Instead of hearing it as I saved his life it changed into, 'you forced him to live.' You forced a potential murderer to live for your own selfish reasons.

"He wanted me to let him die" I mumbled looking down

"He's sick, he needed saving"

"But how many people's lives did I risk in the future" I asked voicing my worries out loud

"Profiles can be wrong" He countered

"What if it's not, what if next time he kills somebody?"

"Then you catch him" he said putting his arm around me and leading me away.


End file.
